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Fighting my natural inclinations

Up early, bed early, on time, all that never came to me easily

They insist

It’s healthy

It’s normal

You’ll manage your moods by keeping routine

Base your good habits on science

On average

On the status quo

But no

I was never meant to be like you

To be this way

To rise with the sun, breathe deep, and smile peacefully as I embark upon the same exact day I’ve lived a thousand times before

No

I’m a vampire

I’m a witch

A creature of the night

A lover of the subtle

A friend to the friendless

I once asked a preacher,

“Christ said to love our enemies.

Does that mean we should love the devil?”

Absolutely not, he told me, flabbergasted,

But still I insist

Plato believed true evil exists only in ignorance

If God is love, is love what the devil needs to heal?

Would you turn your back on the good if you truly understood it?

Plato says no

Maybe I don’t give a fuck about school

Or achievements as commonly recognized

Or careers as commonly aspired

So why the fuck would I live a common lifestyle?

Why the fuck would the common denominator be my aspiration?

It’s never been.

I was brainwashed into wanting what I was told to want.

This persona – I’ve fought her so long,

The girl in my senior photos is a lie.

The girl my parents love is a lie.

The girl I really am – maybe isn’t a girl at all.

If girlness is dresses and makeup and long hair, that’s not who I am.

But girlness is potential.

It’s apparent sublimation, it’s secret brilliance, it’s a flower in the shade.

What about womanness?

Is it strength, self-discipline, leadership? Empathy, compassion?

These ought to hold true of manness as well, and so are not unique to womanness.

What makes a woman, and am I one?

I’m inclined to say that I am, though I can’t place my finger on why.

Because I hold a strong desire to bear children of my own, to raise and love them.

Because I am inclined to mother every wayward soul that blows my way.

Because I want to save the world.

Perhaps gender is hard to define because it’s illusory.

Perhaps it’s a real concept beyond full understanding.

I used to think I was an excellent writer.

I wrote one short story in the first grade, a single page front and back.

It was praised by the adults in my life.

I am so talented, they told me. So smart. Such a good kid.

Few accolades now that I fail to meet their standards.

What are my standards? What do I want for myself?

Simplicity.

School may be an overcomplication, a last-ditch effort to redeem myself in the eyes of society,

An attempt to earn my parents’ love and the respect of their community.

This is not what I ever desired for myself, nor is it now, truly.

I like my teachers. I enjoy the content they teach. I am against the idea of information being withheld from the general public for the purpose of generating profit. So why support a system I despise?

Simple. Don’t. Stop. Do what agrees with you. Do what makes your heart sing.

School would be an easy way out in the moment, take out a loan, move out, play student.

But I don’t support the system. I shouldn’t be paying them for any of this. The loan gives the illusion of freedom with a lifetime of indentured servitude written between the lines.

“Everything that I need, I already have. Everything that I have is all that I need. Anything I desire, I will receive because my reality is created by me.”

Free public education is currently available in the form of libraries.

“School is not a place for smart people, Jerry.”

I am a smart person with more books than I could read in my lifetime available for free just around the corner. I am also an artist of natural talent with more art supplies at hand than I could possibly work through in a matter of months, by which time a family member would likely have gifted me more supplies. I am a fully capable writer with a plethora of niche interests. School is not for me, it is for sheep. It is a job training site for drone workers, to which I was never destined to belong.

I am successful in my own way. I honor myself and my purpose. I seek to please myself first, to do what brings me joy, and watch as all necessities follow. To serve my purpose is to serve the Lord, and the Lord always provides.

I may drop out of school. I may receive a scholarship to continue. But I will not pay my way through. I will not sign my life away on a whim. I am a bundle of talent and creative flow bursting with enthusiasm for life and its wonders. My refined appreciation for beauty will lead me to abundance.

I will go where I am appreciated. I will go where my talents can blossom. I will follow my passion.